Posted by apple on Apr 20, 2008
BOAL has been in a bad mood all week. He went out of town last weekend to a seminar type thing for work. He got to play golf on Sunday which he says he loves to do, but when he got home on Sunday night, he was in a very grouchy mood, and he has been ever since. I don’t know what happened on the trip to upset him, but something sure did. He is pretty much not speaking to me because I said the dog was really getting on my nerves, then later I told him to be careful salting his food because I had salted it pretty good while I was cooking it. He says these two things are the reason for his bad mood and why he is not speaking to me for a week. Hahahahaha. That is so hilarious.
This is one of those deals where I have to work hard to not feel resentful. I have to remind myself to enjoy my life, no matter what BOAL does. Acceptance is the key. Acceptance of how he is and then move on. He really has no power to upset me unless I allow him to. And acceptance doesn’t mean approval. I do not approve of his actions, I just have no power to change them or him.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Warning…. Ranting Post
Posted by apple on Apr 17, 2008
OK, tonight I let BOAL (Bump on a Log) get to me for a little while. Aarrgghh!!! I hate when I do that. I could just kick myself when I do that. That is the dumbest, stupidest, most ridiculous thing. I know how he is. I know he is incapable of providing what I need emotionally, so for me to go to him anyway and try to get it is just insane. Insane, I tell you. And I’m talking about me, not him. He is as predictable as can be. I am the idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot!
OK, rant over with. Goodnight.
Discipline & Regrets
Posted by apple on Apr 16, 2008
Today was such a good day. The weather was perfect, 80 degrees, sunny & just a little wind blowing. My eight year old grandson spent the day with me. He wasn’t feeling well so his mom called last night and asked if he could stay with me today since she had to work. He stayed with me on Monday also. Since I had to work on Tuesday, he couldn’t stay with me. I was happy to keep him on Monday, but last night when his mom called, I was almost a little hesitant. I was selfishly thinking that I wanted to do some running around on my day off today and wasn’t sure I wanted to be tied down to the house with a sick child. …..But keeping in mind my goal of being a good grandmother, and not just living for the moment, doing what I wanted to do, I said, ’sure, he can stay with me tomorrow.’ I’m so glad I did say that. We had a wonderful day, made such good memories for me (and him, I hope). I enjoyed the heck out of the day.
I read a quote this morning that I really liked and I thought applied here. “The price of discipline is always less than the pain of regret.” I love that quote! When I was raising my own children, so many times, I would do what I wanted to do at the moment instead of spending time with them. And oh, what regrets I have now. I would give anything to go back and do it all differently. Funny though, today I found myself wanting to do the same thing with my grandson. I didn’t though. I know my goal is to be a good grandmother and that is something I can look back on and be happy about, so I put my errands on the back burner (discipline) and kept my grandson. Now I have no regret and as I said I really enjoyed the day.
Wonderful.
One Trick Pony
Posted by apple on Mar 24, 2008
I am married to a one trick pony. He’s an OK guy, but he can only do one trick. That’s it, just one. Provide a good living. And wow! That’s a good thing. I am so appreciative for that. I could get down and wish for a guy that would bring more things to the table of marriage, but why? I just need to face facts and be grateful for what I have. I have, in the past, sat around and dwelled on what I wish could be, but that does nothing but make me sad and resentful. I don’t want to be sad and resentful. Those things only hurt ME.
I want to be happy, joyous, and free!! Yee Haw! I think I will be.
You Won’t Get Juice From the Milk Jug
Posted by apple on Mar 18, 2008
Something I have to remind myself from time to time. My DH is a Milk Jug. A lot of times, I want and prefer juice, and I have on many occasions went to that milk jug to get my juice. Dumb! Real dumb! I ought to know better. I cannot get from him what he cannot give. When I truly get this though, I fare so much better. My life just goes much smoother. I’m not disappointed or upset, I just understand and accept it. No big deal.
You know, acceptance is the key. Looking at reality and accepting it for what it is. You don’t have to like it, or approve of it, just accept it. Then go find a juice jug. There are plenty of them around. You just have to find them.
Makes life so much sweeter, and I’m all about a sweet life.
Fake it till you make it
Posted by apple on Feb 23, 2008
Sometimes it is hard to act a certain way when you just aren’t feeling it. It takes some work, but I am finding out that I can do it if I try hard. I want to be nice and get along with my sleeping bear. When I am angry or upset with him and let him know about it, it hurts ME, it messes with MY serenity, and darn-it, I don’t want that, so it really is worth it to just kiss butt sometimes, or do whatever just to keep the peace (since I have decided that staying in this marriage is what I am going to do). What does it all matter anyway? Do I really care what SB thinks? If he thinks he has the upper hand, or he ‘wins’ or whatever he might think, well…. big deal. I can go on my merry way and live my happy life.
I pretend I am an actress and am playing a part. That works for me alot of times, not always, but alot, and more and more as I work at it. I get a certain satisfaction within myself doing it and usually find that whatever bugged me in the first place is gone before long and is not such a big deal anymore. And it saves me hours of agony in the long run.
Today I think I will be Julia Roberts.
Compassion
Posted by apple on Feb 20, 2008
You know……. a person that has to sit in front of a TV for 12-14 hours straight really needs some compassion, don’t you think? Would a healthy, happy person do such a thing? COULD a healthy, happy person do such a thing on a very regular basis without going bonkers? I personally don’t think so, but then I am not a TV person. I think watching hours on end of TV is such a waste of time. I think a person that would do this is probably very unhappy with themselves, and is trying to escape from their own reality. Also, what goes along with the TV lifestyle is lots of eating, and thus lots of extra poundage. Ugh.
If a person that lives with me does this, does that mean his reality is ME, and that’s what he’s trying to escape from? Well, yeah, I guess that could be it. But if you’re that unhappy with your life and your spouse, why not make some changes to make things better? Why not try to discuss things with your spouse and actually work on the marriage? Even if that doesn’t work, why just give up and decide to have a bad marriage AND a bad life? Why not at least try to make a good life in spite of the bad marriage, if you choose to stay in the marriage?
I think it must be that that person just feels hopeless and miserable and trapped in their circumstances somehow, and that’s really pretty sad. I should feel compassion for someone like that. Sometimes, well alot of times actually, I catch myself feeling disgust and disdain instead. I really don’t want to feel that anymore. I want to feel compassion.
I’m going to work on that.
What a Wonderful Life
Posted by apple on Feb 18, 2008
So many blessings and good things in my life. It was very cold this morning, but I slept in a nice, warm bed, then got up to a nice, warm house, and had a great breakfast. I got ready to go to the gym and workout. As I was driving along, the sun was shining brightly and everything just looked so beautiful. I’m so glad I have eyes to see everything. What a wonderful blessing. I enjoy going to the gym and working out. It just makes me feel good. How cool that I get to do that. There was a time in my life, I didn’t have the money for that luxury. Upon leaving the gym, I went by the grocery store and got some good things to eat, lots of fruit and vegetables. How great that I get to do that. How great that I am healthy and feeling good today. This afternoon I’m just relaxing as I do a little laundry in my electric washing machine and dryer. They do most of the work. All I have to do is fold and put away the clothes. How nice that I have a washer and dryer of my very own.
I could go on and on, but you get the idea……..
Don’t Poke the Sleeping Bear
Posted by apple on Feb 17, 2008
Good grief, I could just kick myself! Sometimes I am such a dunce. —If you know from previous experience the reaction you will get from a certain person when you bring up certain subjects, but you bring one up anyway, then who is really the dumbass here? Uh, yeah. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
I know so well not to ever take concerns, problems, relationship issues, money issues, or anything even remotely related to such subjects to my sleeping bear (aka DH), but it seems like once every two or three months, I just seem to HAVE to do it anyway, hoping, hoping that maybe this time it will be different. The thing is I have been doing this for 12 years! 12 years, mind you. What the heck do I need, someone to hit me upside the head with a baseball bat or what?? DUH!
Now I am just fine. DH is a mess, as usual. Poor guy. I feel so bad for him. Really I do. One of my reasons for having this blog is to remind myself of my wonderful life and all the wonderful people and blessings I have in spite of being in a bad marriage, and I am writing about this today to remind myself ONE MORE TIME for future reference that bringing up any one of the above mentioned issues is such a huge no-no. It disrupts my serenity. I like my serenity. I like my life. I enjoy my days. I don’t need unnecessary crap to deal with. And this crap is of my own making. I honestly knew better.
Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?
Posted by apple on Feb 11, 2008
Sometimes I am amazed at myself. In the same vein as I was expressing in the Opinions post, –in feeling the need to express my opinions,– I seem to have the need to be right about everything and to let the other person know about it. Now in doing this, I am creating much misery and unhappiness in my own life, but I do it anyway. –Well, I am getting better. I am working on it and can see how much better it is not to worry or care about letting the other person know that I think I am right all the time, but it does take alot of effort initially. And at the time that the discussion is taking place, it is quite difficult and uncomfortable for me, but in the long run I have so much more peace. It is so hard not to justify myself, and argue my case. But you know, I don’t think I really ever convince the other person I truly am right anyway. I just make things more difficult between us, and then make it harder to get the relationship back on track. And what does it all matter anyway?